Chemicals

Caffeine and nicotine
Driving me, fueling
My creative engines
And my ambitions
I pursue, but
Only half-heartedly,
Unless I'm giving myself cancer
Or clogging my arteries
With cigarettes and soda, respectively
Guess I'm not meant to be
Sober, clean, and free
Of chemicals, because I'm weak.
To stay calm, I need weed.
To stay up, coffee.
To stay sane, nicotine.
I get so anxious when I'm sober
Or when my high is over.
But I never told her,
My personality is addictive.
I'm scared I'll be a junky and vindictive
And manipulative
To get money to feed a habit
I feel I need
To keep going and to succeed.
These drugs I use to get these ideas out of my head,
Help my art, but I know I'll wind up dead.
For the sake of these ideas in my head,
I willfully, slowly make myself dead.